Sleepless night...

I haven't stayed up all night in so long, at least 7 months. The sun is beginning to rise. I can hear the airplanes coming in again. Birds are singing. It smells wonderful...fresh...new....peaceful. Why am I still awake? Probably because I spent almost the entire night sobbing. For what? Well...

Months ago I read this book called Red Letters by Tom Davis. This book seriously changed my life. It opened my eyes so much. Through this book, God revealed to me what He wants me to do with my life (or at least for the next several years) and gave me the courage and drive to start doing it. After I read the book, I looked up other books that Tom Davis wrote. I found two. One was called Confessions of a Good Christian Guy, or something like that. Didn't really interest me much. The second was called Fields of the Fatherless. The name itself broke my heart. I wasn't able to buy it then because I was straight broke and had maybe two dollars in my account but I wrote it on my "Must Buy" book list. I started to look into the organizations this guy was apart of and found Children's HopeChest. I absolutely fell in love and saw that they were promoting this book called Scared. Curiosity got the best of me and I went to the book's website. The first thing I noticed was that Tom Davis was the author but it said it wasn't coming out until June of 2009...sad day. So I've basically been waiting for this book to come out for months. I was finally able to buy it (and Fields of the Fatherless) on Monday afternoon. I didn't really start reading it until today. Once I started I couldn't put it down.

I don't think I've cried that hard before. Not when my grandpa died. Not when my grandma died. Not when Jamie died. Not when I saw my mom in the hospital after her spinal surgery and thinking she was going to die. No, this was different. Before even reading this book I told myself over and over again that this was a fiction novel but that it was based on read events, real people, real life. I mentally tried to prepare myself for what I was about to read. From the very beginning of the book it was real to me. As I turned each page, I could think about nothing more than "This little girl exists. This is really happening. How is this possible?" With each page, my heart broke more and more for these characters. That's all they were...characters. I've never even met anyone with their names! But I knew those people existed. I knew they were real. I knew that these things were really happening....AIDS, death, rape, human trafficking, starvation....true evil. I don't think I've ever sobbed like that in my life. I couldn't help it. I felt so helpless. I am thousands of miles away. I don't even have a passport yet. What could I possibly do? So I just cried and prayed for this little girl. But not just her. For all of them. For the girls who are just like her. For their family. For those disgusting men that rape and beat those girls and take away everything they have. I didn't know what else to do but mourn for the lost lives. My heart broke, just as their hearts are breaking. And prayed to God like I never have before. I've never felt so desperate for something and I'm not even sure what I am desperate for. Maybe it's answers. Maybe it's direction. Maybe it was just as simple as I wanted my Daddy, my Abba, to comfort me. To hold me. To reassure me that He has a plan in all this mess in the world. To simply tell me it's going to be okay, that everyone is going to be okay. All I know is that it is not hope because I already have that. I am absolutely overwhelmed with nothing but pure hope and joy in all this.

This book is incredible. I can't put into words right now how truly amazing it is but it is more than worth reading. Through this book, I can finally see the hope in the world. I can see God's masterpiece unfolding slowly. I can truly trust that He is doing something. I think I finally realize what it means to truly be the hands and feet of God.

Ps Sorry if some of this didn't make sense. It's early and I haven't slept and to be honest I'm very overwhelmed with all this. I truly wish I could put into words (and have it actually make sense) how utterly amazing this book is. Life changing.

I Just Can't Let You Go...

I attempted to go to bed about 4 hours ago, maybe a little more than that. I was tired but not enough to just fall asleep. A month or so ago, I decided to read 20 specific books (all classics) by the end of summer, so I figured it might be a good time to start on that. I picked up Dracula (not sure why, pretty much the first one I saw). I've never actually read it before. I mean I know the story line a little, but then again who doesn't? I always thought that it was one of the first novels written about vampires but ever since the 1700s people have been obsessed with vampires . . . weird. I had to put the book down after reading the first 4 chapters because I knew if I didn't put it down then I would end up reading until the sun came up.

Laying there in bed, listening to my roommate mumble in her sleep and toss and turn, I figured I needed something to put me to sleep. I just hit play on my ipod (for some reason it was already in my bed) and Boyz II Men came on. At first, I starting thing 'Oh no this is not a good idea. I should change it.' But one of my favorite songs came on so I just listened. I started thinking about why I even listen to Boyz II Men. It is usually for one of two reasons. One: I'm being super emo and just want to be alone in a dark corner. or Two: I want to imagine what it is like to have a man love you, truly love you (Ok yes I know their view of love is different from mine but still). But then I realized there is a third reason why I listen to Boyz II Men. Three: I don't want to forget. I have so many memories that involved listening to Boyz II Men, so many people that I never want to forget. Even though it kills me to remember them sometimes, I refuse to ever forget anything about them. The way they walked, the sound of their voice, their laugh, their smile, all the little things they used to do without even noticing.

'Hard to Say I'm Sorry' came on and I was about to change it because I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes but then I heard '...hold me now...' and I knew it was too late. I started crying. Not sure why but I began to think of the wedding I went to this past Sunday. Josh had said in his vows 'I promise to pursue you until my last breath.' I started to wonder why those words continue to repeat in my head ever since I heard them. I soon began to realize that I so desperately want that. Who wouldn't? It wasn't just that I was someone to pursue me but it's so much more. I want to be swept off my feet, and just once, but continually. I want to feel safe and protected. I want be held. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be wanted. Yes, these are all very human and fleshly emotions and thoughts but that doesn't mean they are all automatically a sin. For so long I have shunned away from true love and comfort, whether it be from a guy or friends or even parents. I have run away from any kind of emotion of that kind. I have made myself truly and completely numb. I started to realize, or maybe just truly accept and embrace this fact, that I already have someone pursuing me. God has been pursuing me for so long. I didn't realize it until a little bit ago that He has so desperately been trying to get my attention, and not just some of it...ALL of it. He has been sweeping me off my feet every day, every time I look at a child or the ocean or any kind of nature really. He has been protecting me. He has been keeping me safe (the fact that I am still alive with the way I drive is proof). He has been holding me, even when I don't think I need it. He has been loving me unconditionally, even though as much as I want to or try, I can't return the favor. He wants me more than anyone has ever wanted me. He wants to make me happy. He wants to give me the world. He wants to give me the desires of my heart, the things that no one else can possibly give me. He has been trying to do these things for so long. How can you ignore that kind of love and commitment? How can you deny that? How could you possibly turn away from that? You can't. I can't!

Babies

It feels like I've babysat a lot this past weekend. Saturday night I spent the night with Tru (Pastor Dru and Trish's 2, almost 3, year old daughter) and today I spent the majority of the day with  Lohi, Nolani, and Kili (Liz and Kili's youngest kids. I probably slaughtered the spelling of their names). The more I think about the things they do and say the more I am amazed at God.

Tru: She and I were outside playing with some chalk and a soccer ball. She acted very sad all of a sudden and was holding her ball. "What's wrong, Tru?" I asked her. "My ball is sad, Feather. I think we need to pray for it." she responded. She bowed her head, crossed her little hands and talked to God. After putting the ball down for a nap she looked at me and said, "Feather, the ball is going to be ok. God will protect it. God will protect me too." In my head, I'm freaking out. How is it possible for a child to say this? She knows how to pray, she knows that God is always with her! So sick! It didn't stop there though. She went on to tell me how she is going to be nice to Hannah and John because Jesus loves them and that means she should love them too. How does she comprehend this? So insane! 

Lohi, Nolani, and Kili: I absolutely love these three kids. There is nothing more to say than that these kids are amazing. Nolani was dancing around to no music, Lohi was waiting her turn to be a ballerina and dance with music, and Kili was on my lap playing with my phone. Three year old Lohi started telling me that she was going to show me how a ballerina danced. "Like a princess?" I asked. "Yes!" she yelled. "Does that mean Nolani is a princess too? And Kili is the king?" I asked her. "No, Header. Kili can't be king. Only Jesus is King. Kili is a prince. I am a princess because Jesus is King." she replied. She said this as if I said 2+2=5 and she corrected me telling me it equalled 4. She even rolled her eyes!

These kids know God! They understand that he loves them. They understand that they are his children and that they are princes and princesses in the Kingdom of God and that one day they will have a castle of their own in Heaven! How can they so easily see and understand this but us as adults can't? Every time I see a child God shows me something new about Himself. He uses the things I love doing, watching, reading, etc. to reveal more of Himself to me. It totally makes sense. I know He does it all of the time. Why does it continue to surprise me? 

If only we could always have a child-like mind...How much more would we believe and trust in Him?

What are you doing?

I'm sitting in my bed, planning on reading my book (A History of Russia by Nicholas Riasanokvasky) but first I check my email. I reactivated my facebook for whatever stupid reason but sometimes it turns out to be good. I end up getting this invite for a group called Falling Whistles by a friend. I always know to read up on groups he invites me to because they are always about organizations doing something for God's Kingdom. So I go to the website and start reading....

Not even half way into reading the story of how the organization got started I was in tears. I could barely read by the end of it. It seriously broke my heart to read that story. What was it about? Children forced to fight in an army before they are even able to hold a gun. Instead of holding a gun, they are on the front lines with whistles. They are just a barricade for the other children with guns. Little kids who should be playing in yard or going to school or yelling at their siblings are starving, fighting for their lives, used as sex objects, stolen from their homes. 

It wasn't the first time I read about things like this but for some reason tonight it hit me so hard. What are we doing with our lives? What am I doing with my life? I don't understand why people aren't attempting to do more. Why are we so happy with the way our lives are while there are people...children dying, selling themselves to live just one more day, forced into lives they were never meant to live.

Isn't there something we can do? Not everyone is called to give up everything they have, move to another country, and be a full time missionary in that particular way but there is so much more we can be doing. 

God tells us countless times to go out in to the world and bring people to him. He tells us to feed the homeless, to help the helpless, to PROTECT His children. Jesus never once asked someone how they got sick or how they got on the streets.

Even if you aren't a follower of Christ, how is it not heartbreaking to see and hear the things going on in Russia, Africa, China, India, and so many more places that even I don't know about?

I recently read this book called Red Letters by Tom Davis. It completely changed my life. It talks about living a faith that bleeds. It is intense and heartbreaking and difficult to stomach sometimes but so worth it. I can't even explain how much I learned from those 150 or something pages. 

As Christians we read so many times about Jesus telling us to ask for something in prayer and we will be given it. What if we were committed to FAITHFULLY, WITHOUT doubts praying for these things? What would happen then? Things would change! The apostles weren't more Godly than the next person, they were just ridiculously faithful. They were able to perform miracles (by Jesus's name) but only because they had such a strong belief in Jesus himself that they knew He could do it through them. Every time you read about them healing someone, you read about how they had such a doubtless faith (of course there were many times where they doubted and fell short etc. but they were humans...that is to be expected). The point is we can do so much just through prayer alone. Maybe you aren't ready to give your time, money, possessions, etc. up just yet but you can still take a few minutes out of your day to remember the things that are going on in the world and pray for them. Pray without doubts.

There are thousands of organizations doing something more. Look for them. Here are a few that I am personally following regularly and committed to, at least in prayer.

http://www.hopechest.org/

http://www.fallingwhistles.com/

http://www.fivefor50.com/

http://tomdavis.typepad.com/

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/

Those are only a few. Research for yourself what is going on in the world and find organizations that are trying to help. I only pray that you will listen to God completely and obey Him joyfully. 

:)

So I have this amazing roommate. God is doing amazing things in her life. He's challenging her in ways that sometimes I don't even comprehend to be honest. Almost every night she comes home and we are about to go to bed she will ask me what God taught me today, what I learned through scripture, what are my prayers like, etc. She always catches me off guard, whether it's because I'm ready to pass out and go to bed or if it's because half the time I feel like I don't know how to answer her questions I'm not sure. A few nights ago she basically told me that I'm letting my pride get in the way of God's plan. My first thought was "Jenny, you're crazy. I'm so not prideful." She pointed out the fact that I don't ever ask God for things. I ask him to challenge me sure but not more than that. When I pray I usually spend the time praying for other people or guidance or direction (you get the picture). She pointed out the fact that I haven't asked God to send me to Russia, that I haven't prayed with urgency about that. 

Every Thursday morning we have staff devo at the Rock. Today was Mingo's turn to give the devo. As soon as I saw he was giving it I was so stoked, how can you listen to Mingo and not learn something amazing? He talked about 1 Samuel 26 and 27, about David taking the easy way out. David ran away to a place filled with people who he knew wouldn't challenge his faith. He was able to live a life filled with lies and get to the point where he was about to fight with Philistines against Israel! David hit rock bottom before he decided to seek God again but he didn't just seek God, he CRIED out to Him. He was on his face crying out to God, our Father. How willing was God to care for David and comfort him? God didn't make him feel bad or guilt trip him or anything like that. He simply told him what he needed to do. 

I started reading 1 Samuel today. I've read the beginning several times so I was actually going to skip over it and read where I hadn't before but God told me to start from the beginning of the book. So I did. We all know the story...Hannah couldn't have kids so she asked God to give her a child and she would give that child right back to God once the child didn't physically need her any more. I continued to read but God told me to read that story again. I read it like 3 times. I decided to read it a 4th time but started with praying to God first, asking Him to show me what I need to see because I can't do it on my own right now (like I ever can). I finally got somewhere!

These 3 things all came together today. I have been so afraid to ask God for anything fearing not that He wont giving it to me, but that He will!  How much more responsibility will I have once I asked God to take me away from this place and send me to Russia. What if I fail? What happens when I do? I was so afraid of disappointing God that I couldn't see by me not praying with urgency for this that I was disappointing Him. He wants to spoil me. He wants me to run to Him like I do my mom and dad on earth asking them for silly things but instead of asking Him for silly things He wants me to ask for His will for my life. Sure I had an idea of what it was but have I ever really asked Him to take me there now? Nope...I just figured I'm good where I'm at because I'm serving Him, doing His work, etc. I've been clinging on to control of my life and for what? What is it that I have been so afraid of? My true purpose revealed to me by the one who created me? While I was praying I realized it felt like it had been years since I prayed like this. It had been so long since I fell down on my face and just let go. It's time to stop being scared and just ask God for what I know He has called me to do and to send me where I know He has called me to be. 

So there it is...Prepare me for Russia God! Lord, send me! Reveal to me which city and orphanage to go to. Show me how to do it. I can't figure it out alone and I'm not going to try anymore.