:)

So I have this amazing roommate. God is doing amazing things in her life. He's challenging her in ways that sometimes I don't even comprehend to be honest. Almost every night she comes home and we are about to go to bed she will ask me what God taught me today, what I learned through scripture, what are my prayers like, etc. She always catches me off guard, whether it's because I'm ready to pass out and go to bed or if it's because half the time I feel like I don't know how to answer her questions I'm not sure. A few nights ago she basically told me that I'm letting my pride get in the way of God's plan. My first thought was "Jenny, you're crazy. I'm so not prideful." She pointed out the fact that I don't ever ask God for things. I ask him to challenge me sure but not more than that. When I pray I usually spend the time praying for other people or guidance or direction (you get the picture). She pointed out the fact that I haven't asked God to send me to Russia, that I haven't prayed with urgency about that. 

Every Thursday morning we have staff devo at the Rock. Today was Mingo's turn to give the devo. As soon as I saw he was giving it I was so stoked, how can you listen to Mingo and not learn something amazing? He talked about 1 Samuel 26 and 27, about David taking the easy way out. David ran away to a place filled with people who he knew wouldn't challenge his faith. He was able to live a life filled with lies and get to the point where he was about to fight with Philistines against Israel! David hit rock bottom before he decided to seek God again but he didn't just seek God, he CRIED out to Him. He was on his face crying out to God, our Father. How willing was God to care for David and comfort him? God didn't make him feel bad or guilt trip him or anything like that. He simply told him what he needed to do. 

I started reading 1 Samuel today. I've read the beginning several times so I was actually going to skip over it and read where I hadn't before but God told me to start from the beginning of the book. So I did. We all know the story...Hannah couldn't have kids so she asked God to give her a child and she would give that child right back to God once the child didn't physically need her any more. I continued to read but God told me to read that story again. I read it like 3 times. I decided to read it a 4th time but started with praying to God first, asking Him to show me what I need to see because I can't do it on my own right now (like I ever can). I finally got somewhere!

These 3 things all came together today. I have been so afraid to ask God for anything fearing not that He wont giving it to me, but that He will!  How much more responsibility will I have once I asked God to take me away from this place and send me to Russia. What if I fail? What happens when I do? I was so afraid of disappointing God that I couldn't see by me not praying with urgency for this that I was disappointing Him. He wants to spoil me. He wants me to run to Him like I do my mom and dad on earth asking them for silly things but instead of asking Him for silly things He wants me to ask for His will for my life. Sure I had an idea of what it was but have I ever really asked Him to take me there now? Nope...I just figured I'm good where I'm at because I'm serving Him, doing His work, etc. I've been clinging on to control of my life and for what? What is it that I have been so afraid of? My true purpose revealed to me by the one who created me? While I was praying I realized it felt like it had been years since I prayed like this. It had been so long since I fell down on my face and just let go. It's time to stop being scared and just ask God for what I know He has called me to do and to send me where I know He has called me to be. 

So there it is...Prepare me for Russia God! Lord, send me! Reveal to me which city and orphanage to go to. Show me how to do it. I can't figure it out alone and I'm not going to try anymore.