Sleepless night...

I haven't stayed up all night in so long, at least 7 months. The sun is beginning to rise. I can hear the airplanes coming in again. Birds are singing. It smells wonderful...fresh...new....peaceful. Why am I still awake? Probably because I spent almost the entire night sobbing. For what? Well...

Months ago I read this book called Red Letters by Tom Davis. This book seriously changed my life. It opened my eyes so much. Through this book, God revealed to me what He wants me to do with my life (or at least for the next several years) and gave me the courage and drive to start doing it. After I read the book, I looked up other books that Tom Davis wrote. I found two. One was called Confessions of a Good Christian Guy, or something like that. Didn't really interest me much. The second was called Fields of the Fatherless. The name itself broke my heart. I wasn't able to buy it then because I was straight broke and had maybe two dollars in my account but I wrote it on my "Must Buy" book list. I started to look into the organizations this guy was apart of and found Children's HopeChest. I absolutely fell in love and saw that they were promoting this book called Scared. Curiosity got the best of me and I went to the book's website. The first thing I noticed was that Tom Davis was the author but it said it wasn't coming out until June of 2009...sad day. So I've basically been waiting for this book to come out for months. I was finally able to buy it (and Fields of the Fatherless) on Monday afternoon. I didn't really start reading it until today. Once I started I couldn't put it down.

I don't think I've cried that hard before. Not when my grandpa died. Not when my grandma died. Not when Jamie died. Not when I saw my mom in the hospital after her spinal surgery and thinking she was going to die. No, this was different. Before even reading this book I told myself over and over again that this was a fiction novel but that it was based on read events, real people, real life. I mentally tried to prepare myself for what I was about to read. From the very beginning of the book it was real to me. As I turned each page, I could think about nothing more than "This little girl exists. This is really happening. How is this possible?" With each page, my heart broke more and more for these characters. That's all they were...characters. I've never even met anyone with their names! But I knew those people existed. I knew they were real. I knew that these things were really happening....AIDS, death, rape, human trafficking, starvation....true evil. I don't think I've ever sobbed like that in my life. I couldn't help it. I felt so helpless. I am thousands of miles away. I don't even have a passport yet. What could I possibly do? So I just cried and prayed for this little girl. But not just her. For all of them. For the girls who are just like her. For their family. For those disgusting men that rape and beat those girls and take away everything they have. I didn't know what else to do but mourn for the lost lives. My heart broke, just as their hearts are breaking. And prayed to God like I never have before. I've never felt so desperate for something and I'm not even sure what I am desperate for. Maybe it's answers. Maybe it's direction. Maybe it was just as simple as I wanted my Daddy, my Abba, to comfort me. To hold me. To reassure me that He has a plan in all this mess in the world. To simply tell me it's going to be okay, that everyone is going to be okay. All I know is that it is not hope because I already have that. I am absolutely overwhelmed with nothing but pure hope and joy in all this.

This book is incredible. I can't put into words right now how truly amazing it is but it is more than worth reading. Through this book, I can finally see the hope in the world. I can see God's masterpiece unfolding slowly. I can truly trust that He is doing something. I think I finally realize what it means to truly be the hands and feet of God.

Ps Sorry if some of this didn't make sense. It's early and I haven't slept and to be honest I'm very overwhelmed with all this. I truly wish I could put into words (and have it actually make sense) how utterly amazing this book is. Life changing.

I Just Can't Let You Go...

I attempted to go to bed about 4 hours ago, maybe a little more than that. I was tired but not enough to just fall asleep. A month or so ago, I decided to read 20 specific books (all classics) by the end of summer, so I figured it might be a good time to start on that. I picked up Dracula (not sure why, pretty much the first one I saw). I've never actually read it before. I mean I know the story line a little, but then again who doesn't? I always thought that it was one of the first novels written about vampires but ever since the 1700s people have been obsessed with vampires . . . weird. I had to put the book down after reading the first 4 chapters because I knew if I didn't put it down then I would end up reading until the sun came up.

Laying there in bed, listening to my roommate mumble in her sleep and toss and turn, I figured I needed something to put me to sleep. I just hit play on my ipod (for some reason it was already in my bed) and Boyz II Men came on. At first, I starting thing 'Oh no this is not a good idea. I should change it.' But one of my favorite songs came on so I just listened. I started thinking about why I even listen to Boyz II Men. It is usually for one of two reasons. One: I'm being super emo and just want to be alone in a dark corner. or Two: I want to imagine what it is like to have a man love you, truly love you (Ok yes I know their view of love is different from mine but still). But then I realized there is a third reason why I listen to Boyz II Men. Three: I don't want to forget. I have so many memories that involved listening to Boyz II Men, so many people that I never want to forget. Even though it kills me to remember them sometimes, I refuse to ever forget anything about them. The way they walked, the sound of their voice, their laugh, their smile, all the little things they used to do without even noticing.

'Hard to Say I'm Sorry' came on and I was about to change it because I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes but then I heard '...hold me now...' and I knew it was too late. I started crying. Not sure why but I began to think of the wedding I went to this past Sunday. Josh had said in his vows 'I promise to pursue you until my last breath.' I started to wonder why those words continue to repeat in my head ever since I heard them. I soon began to realize that I so desperately want that. Who wouldn't? It wasn't just that I was someone to pursue me but it's so much more. I want to be swept off my feet, and just once, but continually. I want to feel safe and protected. I want be held. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be wanted. Yes, these are all very human and fleshly emotions and thoughts but that doesn't mean they are all automatically a sin. For so long I have shunned away from true love and comfort, whether it be from a guy or friends or even parents. I have run away from any kind of emotion of that kind. I have made myself truly and completely numb. I started to realize, or maybe just truly accept and embrace this fact, that I already have someone pursuing me. God has been pursuing me for so long. I didn't realize it until a little bit ago that He has so desperately been trying to get my attention, and not just some of it...ALL of it. He has been sweeping me off my feet every day, every time I look at a child or the ocean or any kind of nature really. He has been protecting me. He has been keeping me safe (the fact that I am still alive with the way I drive is proof). He has been holding me, even when I don't think I need it. He has been loving me unconditionally, even though as much as I want to or try, I can't return the favor. He wants me more than anyone has ever wanted me. He wants to make me happy. He wants to give me the world. He wants to give me the desires of my heart, the things that no one else can possibly give me. He has been trying to do these things for so long. How can you ignore that kind of love and commitment? How can you deny that? How could you possibly turn away from that? You can't. I can't!