I Just Can't Let You Go...

I attempted to go to bed about 4 hours ago, maybe a little more than that. I was tired but not enough to just fall asleep. A month or so ago, I decided to read 20 specific books (all classics) by the end of summer, so I figured it might be a good time to start on that. I picked up Dracula (not sure why, pretty much the first one I saw). I've never actually read it before. I mean I know the story line a little, but then again who doesn't? I always thought that it was one of the first novels written about vampires but ever since the 1700s people have been obsessed with vampires . . . weird. I had to put the book down after reading the first 4 chapters because I knew if I didn't put it down then I would end up reading until the sun came up.

Laying there in bed, listening to my roommate mumble in her sleep and toss and turn, I figured I needed something to put me to sleep. I just hit play on my ipod (for some reason it was already in my bed) and Boyz II Men came on. At first, I starting thing 'Oh no this is not a good idea. I should change it.' But one of my favorite songs came on so I just listened. I started thinking about why I even listen to Boyz II Men. It is usually for one of two reasons. One: I'm being super emo and just want to be alone in a dark corner. or Two: I want to imagine what it is like to have a man love you, truly love you (Ok yes I know their view of love is different from mine but still). But then I realized there is a third reason why I listen to Boyz II Men. Three: I don't want to forget. I have so many memories that involved listening to Boyz II Men, so many people that I never want to forget. Even though it kills me to remember them sometimes, I refuse to ever forget anything about them. The way they walked, the sound of their voice, their laugh, their smile, all the little things they used to do without even noticing.

'Hard to Say I'm Sorry' came on and I was about to change it because I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes but then I heard '...hold me now...' and I knew it was too late. I started crying. Not sure why but I began to think of the wedding I went to this past Sunday. Josh had said in his vows 'I promise to pursue you until my last breath.' I started to wonder why those words continue to repeat in my head ever since I heard them. I soon began to realize that I so desperately want that. Who wouldn't? It wasn't just that I was someone to pursue me but it's so much more. I want to be swept off my feet, and just once, but continually. I want to feel safe and protected. I want be held. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be wanted. Yes, these are all very human and fleshly emotions and thoughts but that doesn't mean they are all automatically a sin. For so long I have shunned away from true love and comfort, whether it be from a guy or friends or even parents. I have run away from any kind of emotion of that kind. I have made myself truly and completely numb. I started to realize, or maybe just truly accept and embrace this fact, that I already have someone pursuing me. God has been pursuing me for so long. I didn't realize it until a little bit ago that He has so desperately been trying to get my attention, and not just some of it...ALL of it. He has been sweeping me off my feet every day, every time I look at a child or the ocean or any kind of nature really. He has been protecting me. He has been keeping me safe (the fact that I am still alive with the way I drive is proof). He has been holding me, even when I don't think I need it. He has been loving me unconditionally, even though as much as I want to or try, I can't return the favor. He wants me more than anyone has ever wanted me. He wants to make me happy. He wants to give me the world. He wants to give me the desires of my heart, the things that no one else can possibly give me. He has been trying to do these things for so long. How can you ignore that kind of love and commitment? How can you deny that? How could you possibly turn away from that? You can't. I can't!